EGGcellent news🥚🥚🥚

Tonight was day 10 of stims. I had a monitoring appointment bright & early this morning and we have 19 follicles growing!! Now most likely they won’t all be mature at time of retrieval but so happy that my softball sized ovaries are responding to meds at least! I am a bloated hormonal mess that can barely sit but I’ve never felt more grateful in my life. That we have this 2nd chance to make our dream a reality.

Estrogen is still going up which is good news and my lining is in great shape. I will get Instructions by Tuesday as to when to do my trigger shot 💉. I even had the nurse sharpie marker where on my butt the intramuscular shot should be given🤗. I’ve given myself all my shots so far but hubby is about to step up & help me with this one. Guys this is what we have been waiting for. I’m beyond excited & hopeful. Below are my follicle sizes so far. With a little luck most will reach close to 18mm & have mature eggs inside. The next couple of weeks are going to be the hardest weeks of our lives even if all goes as planned. But in my heart, I B E L I E V E something wonderful is about to happen !

My expectation is that I will most likely stim 1-2 more nights then it’s time to get those eggies🙏🏼🙏🏼


IVF:Giving body shots a whole new meaning

Day 4 of stims but 6 days since I started Lupron injections. After 6 days i truly thought i had it down, but I’ve made my stomach look like a banana you forgot about in your work desk drawer🤦🏻‍♀️. Between the headaches, the sweats and the “foggy” feeling I’m not sure which one I’m enjoying more? Lol oh and throw in some random joint pain to the mix. These are all standard side effects I’m told but honestly it’s not all too terrible. The headaches are intense and i can’t take anything except for Tylenol which does NOTHING but makes me feel like the Meds are doing its job, maybe? Sure?

The Fogginess is the most worrying. I had a monitoring appointment this morning and when I got to the parking lot I was like how the hell did I even get here?? The rest of the day at work wasn’t any better. My head and my heart are just somewhere else.

I have another monitoring appt on Wednesday where hopefully they will explain my blood tests and ultrasounds a little more since I’m worried my estrogen level is low. This was part of the reason my last cycle was cancelled. They told me to keep my Meds at the same doses so no changes.

Trying to stay happy, positive and stress free is nearly impossible when your pumping yourself full of hormones. Today I went through the entire spectrum of emotions. I laughed, cried, raged, stressed all in a matter of like 20 minutes! Such a rollercoaster!

No really though. I apologize in advance if we come into contact and I’m not my normal self. Because today is just the beginning of the intense mood swings. Pray for my poor husband. #IVFhusbandLivesMatter 😂

This is my affirmation for today. We are having our nightly pep talk with the follicles to please behave and grow big and strong eggs for us. If you are reading. Send prayers


It’s finally here! First day of stimulation medication!!! While I’m so excited we are finally at this next stage I am terrified of the havoc these hormones are going to wreak on my body. I am starting at pretty high doses due to my low ovarian reserve (due to my endometriosis ). The Lupron headaches have been relentless and the night sweats are something else. More symptoms to follow!

To recap the medications I’m on:

Lupron -suppresses the pituitary gland (this gland is responsible for triggering ovulation which we don’t want just yet!

Follistim– A follicle stimulating hormone that helps healthy ovaries to develop and release mature eggs.

Menopur – Stimulates multiple follicles and eggs to develop. Women normally don’t naturally develop more than one mature follicle per cycle but in my case we want MULTIPLE mature follicles. Be warned!!! MENOPUR feels like your injecting acid from the depths of hell straight into your abdomen !

I will never get used to needles but after watching the instruction videos like 100 times I finally stuck myself with 3 separate needles with the moral support from hubby and pups 💞.

We will be having a pep talk with my little follicles tonight. Grow follicles, grow. Please🙏🏼. We need lots of healthy eggs to harvest once they are mature enough. At my baseline ultrasound on Wednesday we had 5 follicles on left ovary and 4 on the right. They are low numbers but it only takes one!! Although I pray we have at least 1 to freeze.

This is a reminder to myself:

Shots, Shots, Shots💉💉💉

Not the fun kind of shots but I’m just as excited believe it or not. I had my first ultrasound and bloodwork of the cycle this morning and I started Lupron Shots that will be 2x a day for the entire length.(anywhere from 10-14 more days) Friday I will add 2 more shots of Follistim @300 units and Menopur @150 units. Already starting to feel the headache and stomach distress side effects but overall not terrible. For now I just have to keep chugging water.

I had a slight issue with the Lupron. I made a rookie mistake of NOT quadruple checking the expiration dates and unfortunately the pharmacy sent me a vial that expires tomorrow 2/22/18🙄🙄. Luckily we realized it in time and they will overnight me a vial for free due to the mistake. Crisis (not panic attack) averted but lesson learned!

I have a wonderful coworker who has been through IVF, that gave me this card for Christmas. I keep it pinned in front of me as a daily reminder❤️B E L I E V E

Round II

So Here we go again Kids.

It’s been some time since I’ve updated. To those of you who actually read this, thanks always for the Support ❤

The last few months have been total whirlwind of Physical and emotional chaos. Since our failed egg retrieval we have switched to a new Dr. and we absolutely love her.

Switching doctor’s was not an easy decision but the best one we have made so far. Every office is different but for the most part I feel so much more positive. The Dr. actually takes the time to call me with results and EXPLAIN things. It’s quite amazing actually, the difference between my previous Dr. and my new one.

To quickly recap:

  • Early November: Met with New Dr. She was very kind and Knowledgeable and we decided to immediately leave the old practice and start fresh.
  • Mid November -Late December- Repeated every blood test possible and transferred all my records to New Dr.s Office. (it was not easy!)
  • January  2018– I was SUPPOSED to start IVF Cycle- NOPE JUST KIDDING

A lot of the times even the smallest setback can feel like a mountain. I was physically and mentally ready to get the ball rolling again. My period was of course taking it’s sweet time and i was a few days late.  When you are having trouble getting pregnant, no matter how hopeless your situation, you ALWAYS pray for a miracle. So being late is just a big giant mind F*ck. Testing everyday, hoping we somehow got lucky, only to get negative after negative.. Absolute heartbreak each time. Then my period finally starts and I”m likes YES i’m ready for this. Time to call the Doctor! but only to be met with more setbacks.

Early January i called the doctor’s office to let them know i started my cycle and was told there were still things on my IVF checklist that were not completed. For example, my husband still had bloodwork he had not completed and the repeat blood tests i had been waiting on shows that my Prolactin level is elevated.  All i could think was WHAT?!!?@

It was like bad deja vu. I had switched to another office that couldn’t figure their shit out. I had called and asked SEVERAL times to ask what else needed to be done.  They had in my chart that i was on birth control pills, which i wasn’t. They put an order in for my IVF meds and i found several mistakes. (like why am i more of an expert than these nurses??) There were like 4 or 5 nurses who had their hands in my chart and none of them seemed to put the correct information in.  There were also a few other little things that they seem confused about regarding my chart and I just felt like i could not go through this again. I immediately called and left a message with the doctor to express my concerns. I was shocked when she called me first thing the next morning and totally agreed. She put my mind at ease by reviewing my chart and making sure the correct information was in there. I was also called by the nursing coordinator right after and she is now my only contact. It might seem like I am overreacting but my attitude with my first IVF cycle was not to be so “high maintenance”. Little mistakes and miscommunications are exactly what can lead to a failed cycle. This process is stressful enough and i need the professionals to know exactly what they are doing and I need to be able to trust in them.

Due to my slightly elevated prolactin level of 31 (they don’t want to see it higher than 25) i  couldn’t continue yet with a new IVF cycle & needed to go get an MRI of the brain. In SOME cases, elevated prolactin can be an indicator of a mass on the pituitary gland. Prolactin is a hormone that plays a role in fertility by inhibiting follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and gonadotropin-releasing hormone (GnRH), the hormones that trigger ovulation and allow eggs to develop and mature.  So this could be a possible piece of the puzzle of why we haven’t been able to conceive naturally. My previous Dr. never even checked for this hormone and now I’m being told I may have a mass in my brain…. Sigh.

Thankfully after the MRI everything came back clear. I had a very small less than 1mm mass and the Dr. was not concerned at all. She put me on Dostinex (Cabergoline) even before the MRI and by the time i had my 3rd Prolactin check  4 weeks later, i was down to a 6. Such a whirlwind of emotions. Scared, worried, angry and depressed all mixed into one. Infertility is full of constant 2 week waits. 2 weeks to find out if your pregnant, 2 weeks for important blood results, 2 weeks for MRI results. The WAITING is soul crushing. If it weren’t for bad luck i’d have no Luck at all and when these little things happen it’s so hard to stay positive.

Flash Forward to Last week. Period comes a few days late. Again more POAS (peeing on a stick) just to get disappointed but HERE WE GO. We are ready to get STARTED.  Birth Control for 15 days to “quiet” the ovaries. We have an appointment this week to go over the Medication protocol and baseline ultrasound and bloodwork.  Then a few days after that I will start Lupron microdose twice a day. Then a few days after that we start Stim medication for 7-10 days of Menopur and Follistim.  I CANNOT WAIT. I want every single Injection.I want the bloating. I want the side effects. because we want the baby we have been praying for.  A week after turning 32 & 7 months after my laparoscopy,  WE are going to put every ounce of effort into putting all the positivity out there that this WILL work. Do you hear me UNIVERSE?? THIS WILL WORK.  We are only able to start this cycle so positive because of the total love and support from our friends and family.

We are working on a Miracle with LOVE, FAITH & a little SCIENCE. My box of meds arrived today. It feels real. I will keep everyone updated 🙂


Caution Speed Bumps Ahead


It’s been a few weeks since I last updated. I have tried several times to find the words and they just never came to me.  Since I last wrote, I have been taking 3 injections a day. Lupron, Gonal F and Menopur. I can’t tell you how EXCITED i was each time they told me i could start the next medication. PROGRESS i kept telling myself. One step closer. I could handle any physical pain that was handed to me at this point. It was the emotional pain that i can’t handle. The emotional pain is what’s so draining and sucks the life straight out of you. The emotional pain transforms me into something I don’t even recognize when i look in the mirror.

After the initial fear of the first injection, I felt fine and thought to myself; this is easy. I could inject myself no problem and genuinely looked forward to the injection because i was getting one step closer. That was until they started introducing the other 2. When you inject yourself 3 times a day, everyday, in one tiny area of your stomach you start running out of spots that you didn’t already stab yourself the day before. I was making myself bleed everyday and my stomach looked as if I was being used as a punching bag with all the black and blues.

MENOPUR. How i loathe Menopur. It BURNED and the needle was larger and harder to inject because i needed to use more force to get it in.  I did find a good tip on another blog about icing the area first for 5-10 minutes to literally numb the area. This did help but even bringing the menopur to room temperature did not stop the BURNING around the injection site. It felt like someone was pouring rubbing alcohol on an open wound. This lasted for about an hour before i fell asleep each night.

I am also currently trying accupuncture, which i have heard great things about.  I have to honestly say that I don’t enjoy it or find it relaxing at all. But i have read a lot of research that shows it can really help with IVF success by improving circulation to the uterus during implantation. I will literally try anything to help me become a mother, including becoming a human pin cushion. Never in my life did i think i’d have to be stabbing myself with needles everyday and paying something to poke me from head to toe with even more needles.

I was being monitored every other day with bloodwork and an ultrasound. I was the type of person that got all worked up about going to my annual Gyno visit every year because i hated having a doctor down there. Now I here i am getting my lady bits checked first thing in the morning, 3 or 4 times a week. If they told me to go everyday, i gladly would have because if they were checking me that meant a higher chance of success. But unless you are going through it, you have no idea how awful it is to start almost every morning with having your your insides poked and prodded before starting yet another stressful day at work.

The list of side effect on all the medications are a mile long but these are the only ones i felt:

  • Constant buzzing headache: but i just found a way to trudge along without any advil or excedrin.
  • MOOD swings: I was either extremely weepy or angry. unfortunately the moods never turned to extreme happiness. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I had zero patience and no matter how hard i tried to have PMA (positive mental attitude), i was constantly terrified. there was always a new problem around the corner.
  • Depression: depression is a side effect that i already didn’t need any help in since this whole journey is pretty depressing.
  • Anxiety : The extreme anxiety at all times. I felt like chicken little. ” the sky is falling the sky is falling” because no matter how hard i tried to be positive, everything always felt doom and gloom,  I felt sad and weepy even though from the outside it seemed like we were making progress. Which i believe has a large part to do with my Doctor’s office. which i will get into shortly.
  • Stomach issues. I won’t even get into how all the meds messed with my stomach
  • Nausea:  most morning i was able to hold off on throwing up but some got the best of me
  • joint pain: Luckily this was at a minimum but I would randomly have terrible shoulder pain or knee pain.  Essentially my body and mind felt like I was an 80 year old woman
  • Lack of concentration and blurry vision: the blurry vision i started noticing a few days ago. I would look at my computer screen and all the words seemed to be dancing on the screen or blurry. I thought i had just been a long day until i read it was also a symptom of Menopur
  • Elevated Heart rate: I mentioned this to the doctor several times but they seemed to think it was normal.

Throughout the whole monitoring process I tried really hard to trust in my doctor’s office. I kept telling myself that my doctor is not meant to be my best friend. I kept telling myself the nurses have a stressful job and have a lot to do. I can’t expect them to always be available to answer every single question i have or be happy to see me. But here i go, always putting other people in front of my own well being. I’m finally at a point where all i can say is FUCK THEM. WE are paying them to do US a Service. this is about ME and my Husband. I feel as if i’ve earned the right to say that something is about ME for once.


My breaking point finally happened yesterday. Where i waited all day for a phone call to tell me how i’m progressing. It was 3 pm and i still had not gotten a call even though my results had been posted since before Noon on my portal. I immediately knew something was wrong. My follicles had SHRUNK in size. I had 5 little follicles on Cycle day 10. On Wednesday they measured in the 11-12 range. On Friday they had shrunk to the 8-9 range. (for reference they should be at least 16 or above when they do egg retrieval) They were not supposed to be shrinking. All the meds were supposed to be stimulating growth. I worried myself sick all day trying to be patient waiting for this call. I finally gave in and called because i knew they closed early on Fridays.

When i called, i spoke to a nurse that i truly believe should find a new profession because in all my dealings with her she has a terrible way of relaying information and can’t seem to even muster a smile when i see her in the office. Her reply was “Oh, Ya, the doctor wants you to stop all your medications. and we will see you in the office next friday for another ultrasound and bloodwork. what time is good for you” She sounded as if she was taking my lunch order. I immediately started crying and she asked me “oh no why are you crying”. WHY AM I CRYING?. Is this the first go around with a patient that was just told that the last 33 injections she took were for nothing? Do they not deal with desperate women every day that are hoping to have just one chance at having a baby? Did we not just spend almost $3,000 on medications that we just flushed down the toilet? I said to her why is the cycle cancelled? and her only response was that i was not responding to the medication.

All week i had been afraid of this but every time i asked i was told everything looked great even though it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out something was not going great based on my follicle scans.  From day 1 i have felt as if the Doctor’s office lacked any human compassion. I have always felt like just another number to them and tried not to be too needy but they have also given me conflicting information, or they sound extremely annoyed when i call asking questions. If i’m not constantly asking questions i’m not getting all the information I need. She told me to “stop all medications” and i had to actually call back and find out if she also meant the Metformin pills. She had to put me on hold to find out if i should still be taking the metformin. Honestly this should be information she ALREADY knew. I shouldn’t have to double check every bit of information they give me.  I think we are finally just DONE. Monday Morning I am calling around for 2nd and 3rd opinions and start the process of transferring to a new doctor. I know they are not going to make it easy.  Unfortunately we have already paid them so we also need to make sure we can get our money back since the cycle was cancelled. I also know that this will delay us even further but I need a doctor and staff that at least pretends to give a shit regardless of how busy they are.  I don’t blame them for the cancelled cycle as i know that it happens to alot of women. I know that we should expect delays. But i do blame them for a lot of the  extra emotional stress they have put on us. Not only by lacking in human compassion but the lack of communication in what is already a very difficult situation. There has to be another doctor and doctor’s office that can provide us with the support we need.  I also shouldn’t feel agitated when i see my doctor which is what happens now. He normally doesn’t do my ultrasounds but they were shorthanded this past weeks so he was “helping out”. I truly loathed having him doing it because of his cold demeanor. He didn’t even say good morning to me. He literally walked in, sat down and inserted the ultrasound doppler without a word or even warning. Like hey i’m about to insert this large probe into your vagina. but you know, good fucking morning to you too. 

So here we are at square one again. Except this time i don’t feel even the slightest bit of hope. I am so lucky that my husband is right there with me. I hate seeing him share my pain but I am so grateful that I have him. I don’t know where i’d be if he wasn’t with me every step of the way. Unless you have gone through this heart wrenching ordeal, it’s so hard to understand and so easy to say to “just be positive”, “trust in god” or “things will work out”. Right now it doesn’t feel like things will work out. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted but i have to go on pretending that I am perfectly fine.  It feels like we are not even living life anymore.



Here we go!


After a slight delay after Dr. reviewed my bloodwork and ultrasound a week ago. I went in yesterday morning for more bloodwork & I was finally given the go to start injections yesterday!! YAY!!! Never in my life did I believe I would be so excited to stab myself with a needle everyday.  But here I am, as happy as a bird with a french fry to be doing just that. They changed my protocol a little and instead of Centrotide I will be taking Lupron. Lupron will stop me from ovulating before Egg Retrieval.

Every morning I will administer Lupron injection, & in 1 week I will start with a 2nd and 3rd injection Of Gonal-F and Menopur. These 2 are the injections used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs.  also called the “stims” period on the IVF timeline

I was truly freaking out about injecting myself as I cannot stand needles. I can’t even watch when they draw blood. I know a lot of women say that they don’t think they can do it but when it finally came time, I didn’t even hesitate because I want this so badly! I finally feel like we are on the right track.  After so many delays it felt like we would never even get to this point.  For anyone freaking out about injecting themselves for the first time, it truly only hurts with the first Pinch.  The most nerve wracking part is making sure you put the right amount in the syringe because it has to be exact. I still have several medicines to go but so far so good! I haven’t noticed any side effects yet (but I’ve only taken 2 doses so far) &  have only experienced a slight headache. Lupron does come with a slew of side effects that I’m hoping I don’t have to experience. Fingers crossed!

For now we have decided to share our Journey with very close friends and family.  The outpouring of love & support we have received is truly amazing. I’m happy that we are not keeping this a secret as it’s an everyday struggle for us to keep positive. There are so many things that can go wrong going forward, as the road ahead of us is long but there are so many things that can go right. That is what we are holding on to. That all the right things will align for us. PMA ♥



Calm before the Meds

Tuesday I had my SHG test done. This procedure allowed my Dr. to check to see if there are any abnormalities in my uterus and also let him measure where the best spot will be to plant my embryo once we are ready for that. Sounds like a plan to me! The procedure was quick but quite uncomfortable and I was cramping.  I had my eyes shut the entire time and I could tell the nurse felt bad for me. The good news is that he was able to tell me right away everything looked normal.  (so relieved)

Let’s talk about Doctor’s who have zero bedside manner. I have to say that in my short lifetime I have come across plenty of these. For some reason they just don’t understand how to interact with their patients on a human level. I’m not saying all doctors are like this, but pretty much every single one i have come across has been incredibly cold. My current reproductive endocrinologist is not the kind of Dr. to hold my hand and make me feel better about anything. He gives it to me like it is without sugarcoating.  So far he has been spot on with everything, so I trust him and following everything he has told me. I just wish that he was a LITTLE bit less robotic. He does try to make jokes every once in a while but I can tell he has no idea what’s actually funny to an infertile couple. He has said such things as “well at least IVF costs less than buying a new car” -which is not comforting at all! lol  During the procedure I might as well have been cattle. He shoved the speculum in with zero warning as I was mid sentence, then inserted the catheter & pretty much told me to just be quiet and stay still. He was out the door before the nurse had even finished throwing the used tools into the garbage. He is clearly very skilled and has done this procedure hundreds of times. It is what it is. I’d rather have a skilled doctor that knows what he’s doing over one that is just telling me what i want to hear.

The reason I bring this up is to talk about the REAL MVP of this process: The nurses. THANK GOD for the nurses. I was ready to leave that office upset. It doesn’t sound like a big deal until you are going through it. The constant tests and exams really wreak havoc on your nerves. While i know that I need to keep up with my PMA (positive mental attitude) every time i go to the Dr. I am scared of bad news. As I’m walking out, my dedicated IVF nurse pulls me aside and talked to me for an hour in regards to what’s to come. I constantly find myself on the brink of tears after appointments. I’m not really sure why I always feel like crying, but she took one look at me and gave me a big hug and suddenly I felt better.  Shout out to all the nurses out there helping us emotional wrecks going through infertility process.  While i was there she demonstrated all the injectables they will be ordering for me and we did a mock injections on a foam Model. This was just to prepare me so we could go over it again when the meds actually come in. She gave me a script for Metformin (helps improve egg quality) and a list of supplements to go on to also help with eqq quality. (baby aspirin, DHEA, COQ10, prenatal etc)  I am also to continue on the birthcontrol for another week or so.  For those of you who may be taking Metformin-TAKE IT WITH A MEAL.  It’s super rough on your stomach and will cause nausea and digestive issues.

I keep telling myself even miracles take a little time. It’s a slow agonizing process: but everyday i’m one step closer to egg retrieval.  My motivation for today is below, in hopes someday this will be our reality. “the little embryo that could” – stolen from pinterest images.  PMA!! 🙂

images (1)

The Start Of the Struggle

For most couples that are purposely trying to have a baby, the process is relatively easy. For those of us who struggle, it’s a long, exhausting journey (both physically & emotionally). The worst part about infertility is the unknown. After months and months of “trying” you reach that magical 1 year mark where couples should seek help. I knew something was wrong long before the 1 year mark came around and I did try to seek help. Ladies, I implore you, be your own advocate. For a lot of OBGYN’s, infertility is not their specialty, so you are going to get a lot of “everything is fine and be Patient”. If you feel something is wrong seek out a doctor that will listen to you! While I am not the only woman who has ever suffered infertility, nor will I be the last. My hope is that this blog can possibly help at least one woman out there realize that they are not alone or maybe help them understand what to expect on their own IVF journey.

Step: 1- Stopping BC

After being on birth control for over 12 years,  my body was in total shock when I stopped. Suddenly every month turned into almost 2 weeks of excruciating pain. It lasts for about a week before my period and a week during. I started feeling back pain, cramps that would not be alleviated by any pain meds, nausea, fatigue and the list goes on. I had been lucky and to be honest almost never felt cramps in over 12 years of periods. The BC was regulating my hormones and I was blissfully unaware of the war raging in my uterus. Every month the symptoms got worse and worse.  Of course i tried googling the symptoms and came across a ton of information on how this was “normal” for women who were no longer on BC to regulate everything. It was either that or ” i was dying” haha. Fast forward 6 months and I found myself in the ER. I had collapsed on the kitchen floor while getting ready for work. Barely able to stand, in a cold sweat with extreme back pain and cramping. It almost felt like a digestion issue (minus the backpain) and when I tried to have a bowel movement it was like something was ripping me in half. I called my husband and off to the ER we went. There they thought it was possibly my appendix but after an internal ultrasound they found it was an ovarian cyst that bursted. I was told it was common and “normal” and to see my regular OBGYN for a follow up.

My first follow up with my OBGYN, she seemed completely unconcerned. In fact the first words that came out of her mouth were “you are lucky this is the first time you have had an ovarian cyst burst”. She told me most women deal with this all the time and that it is common and normal. For ME it was not common or normal and she was completely dismissing me. Her answer was to return to BC even though I had repeatedly mentioned I was trying to conceive. I immediately looked for another doctor and so began my visits to multiple doctors who all told me my pain was “normal” and that they did not know or think that the ovarian cysts would be causing any infertility.

After about 11 months of just dealing with the pain, we started to seek help on not being able to conceive. The pain was just a secondary problem. I went to yet another OBGYN, with my husband Nick, this time to see if we could both get tested. I very much liked the Dr. at first. He seemed very eager to help us and agreed it was time to get help. I again, brought up my excruciating pain. I told him there are days during my cycle where I physically could NOT stand up straight from the pain to the point of feeling faint. He stared me right in the face and told me it was “all part of being a woman” and “normal”. If I’m being honest, it took every ounce of will not to punch him in the face. It was quite easy for a male Dr. to tell me the pain was “normal”. Everyone had me convinced I was just a wuss and clearly not able to handle pain. I even started to see it in my own family and friends that didn’t understand my “period pain”.  I looked perfectly healthy. There was no proof to make my pain valid. I had undergone blood tests, ulstrasounds, hysterosalpingogram or HSG (an x-ray procedure that pushes dye through a catheter into my fallopian tubes to see if they were blocked). My tubes were fine and my husbands Semen analysis were almost perfect. We were officially “unexplained” infertility and our next step was to try medication like clomid.  We were told that the HSG might have cleared some things out and to try naturally for a few more months. (more time in Limbo)

Step 2: Seeking a specialist.

I had gotten to a point where I was just upset all the time. A sadness that not many people can understand. I had started to express our struggles to close friends and family and while some were great at just listening others just wanted to be helpful but didn’t know how. There’s nothing worse than telling someone going through a long infertility struggle to just be patient or that God has a plan. The emotional pain is Real (struggle for real)  and sometimes you just need someone to listen to you. I appreciate everyone who listened and gave the best advise they could. I am so grateful to my close family who have lent me their shoulders to cry on. While I can’t say I have the best luck, I am truly LUCKY to have a husband who has been my rock throughout this whole struggle. I have read that infertility can really break a marriage.  No one tells you how HARD trying to conceive can be. In school they teach you that if you even breath near eachother you will get knocked up. An entire adult life preventing something that would never happen naturally.  Everyone believes it’s all about having fun and having sex but after 12+ months of “trying”, HAVING to have timed sex is a lot harder than it sounds. Sex is now a chore and a reminder of what you don’t or can’t have.  Hi, my name is Jackie and i’m addicted to POAS (peeing on a stick). NO ONE tells you how many times you will pee on a stick and how stressful it’s going to be.(or how much money you will spend)  Month after month of peeing on a stick, twice a day every day, just to make sure you catch your ovulation time. Then the dreaded two week wait after ovulation to find out if you’re pregnant. THEN the heartbreak you feel every time you pee on a pregnancy test and it’s negative. No matter how many times it happens, it never gets easier. It affects your mental and physical health.  As we both carried our sadness each month, our only choice was to put on our happy masks because quite frankly, infertility sucks.  The fastest way to make people super uncomfortable is to start telling them how you can’t make a baby!

One by one everyone around us was getting pregnant and here we were, still childless, still struggling without a reason. As much as I tried to be normal, and tell my pregnant friends that my inability to conceive had nothing to do with my ability to be happy for them, I could see everyone starting to treat us differently.  It’s true, with every pregnancy announcement it was like a stab in the heart. No matter how hard I tried I could not control my feelings. But I can honestly say that after the initial bombardment of emotions, I felt true happiness for my friends and family. I was going to be an Aunt! and you better believe the best damn Aunt too. But I could see that my infertility still made other people uncomfortable. I am not perfect by any means but I’ve tried my hardest to put myself in everyone’s else’s shoes and tried my hardest to show that I WAS happy for them.  I am grateful for the friends who saw my sincerity and sad over the friends that believed I was secretly jealous.  The Truth is, for me personally, as i cannot speak for all women, I don’t feel jealous over my pregnant friends. Quite the opposite. I’m relieved they don’t have to experience what we have experienced. They are creating their own happy little family. All i want is MY own happy little family.   What i feel is sadness for us that we can’t figure out the problem.

Nick and I are on this lonely infertile Island and there is nothing we could do but hold on to each other. And I can’t thank him enough for never letting me drown in the sadness alone. There have been days that the only reason i was able to get myself out of bed was because of him (and the pups of course).

Fast Forward a few months after my last Dr.s appointment and countless hours of online researching. (of course i know that’s the worst thing to do!) We decided to seek out a Reproductive Endocrinologist who is a Specialist when it comes to infertility.  At our very first meeting we discussed our background, what tests we already had done etc. He seemed mildly interested as we probably sounded like the typical “unexplained infertility” couple. Once again, I brought up my monthly pain and he immediately started asking me more questions and FINALLY for the First time a brand new word was mentioned. ENDOMETRIOSIS. He said, “it sounds like you may have endometriosis, but it’s not something I can confirm without a laparoscopic Surgery”. This is not something that can come up on an ultrasound, x-ray or bloodwork. So if anyone tells you otherwise, they are clearly misinformed. After some discussion, we agreed that I would be monitored and we would try an IUI, since a surgery was not warranted at the time.  In all my research, in all my Dr. visits, I had never come across this condition, but once i started researching endometriosis specifically; Everything just fit and made sense.

We did our First and only IUI  (think turkey basting Lol) cycle in May 2017 and it unfortunately failed. I allowed myself to cry my heart out that day & then picked myself up that the next cycle would work.  During the next appointment to get ready for IUI #2, i was told that my scans showed I had 4 endometriomas or large cysts that were covering my ovaries. Next step would need to be Laparoscopy to remove them. He again suspected endometriosis and told us he believed this was the reason why we couldn’t conceive. While the thought of surgery was scary, I was excited to finally have a fix and hopefully some answers!  I had to wait almost an entire month before Surgery was scheduled which was nerve wracking to say the least.

Step 3: Surgery

I had never had surgery before so I had no idea what to expect. The most important thing was to stay positive that they would find a reason for not only all my pain, but as to why a young, healthy couple has not been able to conceive.  There were a lot of things to consider, they could do the surgery and find nothing or it could also be so severe I could lose an ovary (or two). Basically every part of this journey has been nothing but stress! For my fellow infertile sisters- I feel your pain. An hour surgery ended up taking almost 3 hours. The results: he had to excise stage IV Endometriosis. Endometriosis is NOT cancerous but categorized in a similar way, with Stage 4 being the most severe. Even the Dr. seemed shocked it was that severe. I had it everywhere, including my ovaries and bowels.  When all was said and done he said he couldn’t believe how advanced it was and that i must have been in excruciating pain. FINALLY!!! VALIDATION!! Someone finally confirms that I was in fact not crazy and that it was not just that I couldn’t handle pain well.  It was finally a Win.  Post Surgery, I did not react well to anesthesia and spent the next 3 days not being able to keep any food or water down. Overall, the recovery was not Terrible. I spent about 6 days on the couch before returning to work and then 6 weeks of just letting my body recover. I was still happy that he found the problem and had such HIGH hopes that things would be better from this point on.  At our follow up appointment he mentioned that although he was confident he had removed all the endometriosis, I would have a lot of scarring in its’ place. He said 80% of my ovaries were covered in endometriosis, which means 80% of them would now be covered in scarring. The scarring would  prevent the egg from making it’s way into the Fallopian tubes. This is why he believed that IVF would be the only way we could get pregnant. The cost of IVF alone is unbelievable but as Nick and I both agreed. We HAD to try this. We want our own child made up in a perfect combination of both our DNA’s. We know there are other options but we are not there yet. Everyone always mentions adoption and it’s absolutely something we will consider. But until you research adoption you don’t know the cost is about 4x more expensive than 1 IVF cycle. Adoption is also an emotional roller coaster where all your paperwork can be in place and it can still fall through last minute. I have had the opportunity of talking to someone who has gone through it and in comparison it makes the last 15 months seem like a piece of cake. So here we are, getting ready for our next step on the Journey to Baby “A” via IVF.  As a Side note: the surgery did not fix my pain unfortunately and the Dr. mentioned that out of 7.4 Billion people on earth only 1% of women have what I have. I am just in the lucky percentage that will still experience pain even after surgery. I don’t even care about that anymore. All i want is a chance to be a mom and give Nick a chance to be a Dad. For all the mother’s & father’s in waiting, I send you baby dust.

My first base ultrasound appointment for IVF is on Friday 9/22/17. Stay tuned.